Alan:Mmm Berta, you got a minute?

Berta:Whats on your mind Princesss?

Alan: First and foremost, You know we consider you as a beloved member of this family...

Berta: Alan, you can roll... more

Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina.
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there... more

Berta (after seeing that charlie's new girlfriend is mean): watch what u say... slim!
Lydia : slim huh?... i watch what i eat
Berta : going in or coming out?

Charlie: Alan u should totally go out with this chick
Alan: I dont know? Should i?!
Charlie: Of course, tell him, Berta!
Berta: Hey i'd do her

You really wanna do me a favor. Then take the money you were going to give me and convert it into rolls of nickels and bend over...........

Sandy: I find that just a couple of drops of lemon juice on the dryer sheets, really freshens up the whole load.

Berta: Really....I find that just a couple of Valium's in my coffee keeps me from... more

Charlie: Hey Berta, look what I got (pointing to Linda's son)

Berta:Big Deal. Its a frikkin miracle you dont have ten of them

Oh, please. If my kids had went to bed at 7:00 I would have dipped myself in gravy and danced naked on the rooftops.

Alan: What..Where are you going?
Berta: Did you SEE that bitch?! Im putting as much GONE between me and her as possible!

To Charlies Satanic flavour of the week:
Hey, Vampira, can you tell Count Humpula to get outta bed so I can change the sheets?