Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed... more

It's not a unicorn, it is a horse with a sword on it's head to guard my hopes and dreams!

JD: You're not aware of some sort of underground canal system under the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
Janitor: Was his name Julian?
JD: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor:... more

[after J.D. and Turk hug]
Ted: "I need one of those."
J.D.: "A hug?"
Ted: "No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler."

I want you to know, if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world, or sitting at home with you, eating a pizza, watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.

Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'

JD: That's Iraq
Janitor: That's China
JD: You're China!
Janitor: That's an outrageous accusation!

Carla: Bambi, not everyone loves journey as much as you
JD: I don't love journey
Turk:Shes just a smalltown girl
JD:(singing)Living in a lonely world, she took the midnightrain going anywhere.... more

J.D.:Are you insane?!
The Janitor: No, I'm a pirate.

I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.