Jackie: "Mom drank when she was pregnant with us."
Roseanne: "Oh, Jackie, after a few months in mom we needed a shot or two."

Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

Fred: All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
Fred: I mean seriously.
Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
Fred:... more

[after Roseanne yells at Jackie for never having a stable relationship]

Jackie: Well, we can't all be a happily married couple who love each other and who each weigh 500 pounds!

Roseanne: Seriously, Ma, you gotta believe in God! I mean... There just HAS to be a God! I'd hate to think that after a lifetime of hideous crap and unending suffering, all the stupid stuff I've had... more

Fred: Thanks mom.

Jackie: Don't you dare call her mom. You may call her Bev, or Sea-Hag.

Fred: Come on, Jackie. You gotta admit, whenever she comes over, his face just lights up.

Jackie: He is laughing at her. I taught him that.

Roseanne: Oh, what'd I do now?

Jackie: Same thing that you always do, Roseanne. You sit up there on your...

Roseanne: Pedestal?

Jackie: Yeah. You act like some big, high and mighty,... more

I'm 36 years old and I've got flabby arms and pelican neck, and all my house plants are dead and no one love me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks.

Jackie: Well, we can't all be a happily married couple who love each other and who each weigh 500 pounds!