Listen Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells. Now you know I'd rather do anything than beg you for money. But you're the only person I know that can't possibly think any less of me.

[Dan is in jail]
Dan: I don't have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

Dan: "You don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my own wife."
Fred: "Oh, have you remarried?"

[About a drywall job]
Dan: "Be a lot of money if I get it."
Roseanne: "You're not gonna get it."
Dan: "There'll be a lot of guys putting bids in."
Roseanne:... more

Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."

Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house clean.

Darlene: Rub a Lamp.

D.J.: Was I an accident?

Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.

D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the... more

D.J.: Do we have to go in the Big and Fat store?
Dan: That's Big and TALL, DJ.

Can I see a wine list please, and I'll have a beer while we're waiting.

You gotta lie to your wife once and awhile. How about when they try out those new recipies and you hate it.