Roseanne: You two are gonna be loving sisters like me and Jackie!
Darlene: Okay.
[to Becky]
Darlene: I'll sleep with every guy in town and you gain 400 pounds.

To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate./ To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this/ And I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this./ To... more

I've got no one. No friends, no family. Nobody. It's just me. Just me and my ganja.

What if he falls down and hurts himself and needs one of my organs, but I can't give him one because their all full of pot!?

I am not moving to DJ's room so that Becky and my dork in-law can concieve some demon spawn in my bed.

D.J.: What's a virgin?
Darlene: You in 40 years.

Dan: "You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner. I'm fixing dinner!"
Roseanne: "Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!"

Roseanne: [their father has just died] Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm... more

Darlene: No, I'm serious: I think we should get married.
David: Oh, I get it, now you're gonna tell me you're kidding.
Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

Dan: Damn women. Who do they think they are anyway?
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me.