D.J.--Moom, Darlene called me a prevert.
Roseanne--You're not a prevert honey, you're a pervert.

D.J.: What's a virgin?
Darlene: You in 40 years.

D.J.: "Mark wants to know if he should score a keg."
Roseanne: "Uh no, tell him I think I'll strap the baby onto the back of the Harley and take her on her first beer run myself"

[Dan and Roseanne had a fight and aren't speaking to each other at the dinner table]
D.J.: "Mom, what's going on?"
Roseanne: "We're playing a game."
D.J.: "Can I... more

D.J.: Was I an accident?

Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.

D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the... more

D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days. Nobody's cared.
Roseanne: Oh, that can't be.
D.J.: Uh-huh. The last thing I said was "Cheerios".

D.J.: Do we have to go in the Big and Fat store?
Dan: That's Big and TALL, DJ.

Hockey is great. You get to hurt guys and people clap.

DJ: "Hey mom look, I ate my poptart into the shape of a gun"

Crystal: "I definitely want a girl"

DJ: "You're only moving to Chicago because your mom has to have an operation"
Todd: "No she doesn't"
DJ: "She does too, my mom says shes having a big stick taken out of her... more