Can I see a wine list please, and I'll have a beer while we're waiting.

Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."

Dan: Oh man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth.

Listen Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells. Now you know I'd rather do anything than beg you for money. But you're the only person I know that can't possibly think any less of me.

Dan: Damn women. Who do they think they are anyway?
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me.

[Dan is in jail]
Dan: I don't have time for this.
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

Dan: "You don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my own wife."
Fred: "Oh, have you remarried?"

Dan: "You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner. I'm fixing dinner!"
Roseanne: "Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!"

[About a drywall job]
Dan: "Be a lot of money if I get it."
Roseanne: "You're not gonna get it."
Dan: "There'll be a lot of guys putting bids in."
Roseanne:... more

Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house clean.

Darlene: Rub a Lamp.