Roseanne: You two are gonna be loving sisters like me and Jackie!
Darlene: Okay.
[to Becky]
Darlene: I'll sleep with every guy in town and you gain 400 pounds.

To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate./ To whom it concerns, my ma made me write this/ And I'm just her kid, so how could I fight this./ To... more

Dan: Damn women. Who do they think they are anyway?
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me.

I've got no one. No friends, no family. Nobody. It's just me. Just me and my ganja.

Dan: "You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner. I'm fixing dinner!"
Roseanne: "Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago!"

What if he falls down and hurts himself and needs one of my organs, but I can't give him one because their all full of pot!?

I am not moving to DJ's room so that Becky and my dork in-law can concieve some demon spawn in my bed.

D.J.: What's a virgin?
Darlene: You in 40 years.

[to D.J]
You're about to become a strange smell in the attic.

I mouth off to everyone. People love that about me.