Roseanne: That’s not funny! You’re grounded ’til menopause.
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father’s.

Jackie:I wanted you to be pregnant so we could be pregnant together.
Roseanne:" Well, it's not too late let's get Fred over here!"

What is this, Mayberry???

Now all we need is some half wit in the front yard... We are officially poor white trash.

Darlene: we both know I'm smarter, if you dropped the both of us off in the middle of the woods, I'd find my way out and poor little Becky would crawl into a hollow log and die

Darlene: You threw biscuits at grandma?
Roseanne: No, I didn't want to hit D.J. you know how soft his skull is.

Ziggy: who are these kids?
Roseanne: I dunno, they came with the house.

Roseanne holding up dan's socks : do you want me to fix these or throw them out?
Dan: yeah honey thanks
Roseanne holding up a bra: What about this do you want me to mend it?
Dan: yeah honey it's... more

Roseanne: I've been thinking about a career in diplomacy
Dan: I think that fits you very well, maybe an ambassador
Roseanne: yeah of the Bahamas

Little Maggot: Roseanne is the best person I got down there I really need her to work weekends
Dan: well, we need her to work here on the weekends