I left my cell phone here yesterday. Spent 400 years without one. Now I can't go a day.

I'll tell you something I've learned in my four hundred years. Two Buddhists Monks are walking down a road, and they see a woman trying to cross a stream. The first Monk picks her up, carries her... more

'You seriously drink this stuff? What is it? Like not-fat, soy, vegan blood?'

Oh! Very dramatic. I like it!

You know, prom wasn't really big back in the 1700s. High school either. The plague, the plague was big.

It is SO on.

Vampire solidarity...rah rah rah

Josef: Have you seen the news? This terrible thing in West Hollywood? It's everywhere. 'Vampire Slaying Rocks LA'.
Mick: Yeah, it doesn't look good for us.
Josef: It's a threat to our secrecy. What... more

Mick: You don't care about yourself, can you at least care about not getting me killed?
Josef: Listen, I wasn't ..like... Look, I get lonely, you know that.
Mick: Yeah, I’m beginning to see why.

[Josef wakes Mick up. Mick's still in the freezer.]
Josef: I'm looking for someone.
Mick: What, and you think they're in here?