Monk: There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever."

Natalie: That's an old saying?

Monk: I've been saying it for years.

Monk: It's a gift and a curse.

Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted...right?!

Dr. Kroger: I've always been very proud of you for that.

I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things.

Judge- "Bail is set at $900,00"
(Monk whispers to Lawyer)
Lawyer- "could you make it an even a million?"
Cap. Stottlemeyer- "oh my god!"

Disher: What if he has a knife?

Captain Stottlemeyer: He’s right. We need a code, a phrase, incase he’s in trouble.

Disher: Uh, how about, mother of god he has a knife!

You'll thank me later.

Monk: I don't have any friends.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I'm your friend.

Monk: Because I pay you!

Natalie: You don't pay me that much.