Monk: Hey thanks. Thanks for killing me.

Stottlemeyer: That's what friends are for.

Housekeeper: What would my hours be?

Monk: 9 am.

Housekeeper: Until?

Monk: Until one.

Housekeeper: Until 1 pm?

Monk: Until one of us dies.

Judge- "Bail is set at $900,00"
(Monk whispers to Lawyer)
Lawyer- "could you make it an even a million?"
Cap. Stottlemeyer- "oh my god!"

Wipe!!

Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds them up] Birth control pills.
[Natalie's young daughter is staring at them]
Natalie:... more

Monk: (Pulling a leaf out of child's hand) No no, don't touch that. That's nature. Nature's dirty.

You'll thank me later.

Natalie: Excuse me, Mr. Master Man, I am also troubled. He is not paying me what he promised.

Monk: That's not true. I pay her exactly what I paid my last assistant.

Natalie: Which was... more

Monk: There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever."

Natalie: That's an old saying?

Monk: I've been saying it for years.

Monk: I have lived my whole life without feeling a drifter's face. I've always been very proud of that. Even on my worst day, I could tell myself, "at least I didn't feel a drifter's face".