'You are nothing less to me than a bilgistic pile of love meat' - Doug's birthday card to Carrie

Carrie: Doug, I told you to put the fridge back
Doug: I was goin to, but the phone rang.
Carrie: So I had to do it
Doug: The phone..rang!
Carrie: And I broke a nail doing it
Doug: So....buy... more

Deacon: I'm singing some Niel Diamond!
Doug: You do know you're black, right?

that doesn't sound like shut it stew to me!!

On ESPN, the National Spelling Bee. There was an Indian kid with a lisp, kicking ASS!

Why Miss Fryhoffer, You're beautiful!

Hey Stuuumpy!!!

Doug: You are apart of the wonderful tapestry, that is my life.
Carrie: Oh, so now I'm tapestry?
Doug: Tapestry is good. It's woven on a loom.

That's what my sandwich was missing, a finger with a loose bandaid

Arthur: "Are you reading that?"
Doug: "Yes, that's why I'm holding it up to my face."