Jill: Tim, Can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: OK, what did you do now?
Wilson: Heidey-ho neighbors.
Jill: Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You... more

Tim: [about a hotel room] The bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.
Jill: And the room was so small.
Tim: Small? It was so small the mice were hunchback. It was so small that when I put my key... more

Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland?
Jill: Manland? Now you got a theme park between your legs?

Mark: I am never doing yoga again.
Brad: Yeah, it's the first time I've ever seen the back of my neck.
Jill: Now that you've seen it, wash it.

Tim: I don't have a problem with Davidson.
Jill: You think he's a weasel.
Tim: I don't have a problem with that.

Tim: You'd hate yourself forever if you didn't go.
Jill: Actually, I'd hate you.
Tim: I thought that too.

Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth.
Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

Tim: I know this sounds crazy, but I might be able to go up on a space shuttle.
Jill: How soon can you leave?

Funeral director: "We feel we know all our guests, in spirit."

Jill: "Your guests? What is this, the Bates motel?"

Tim: Some toolmen say 'Why?' This toolman says 'Why not?'
Jill: This toolman's wife says 'Why me?'