Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.
Tim: I'm not really that hungry.
Jill: I didn't cook it.
Tim: I am famished.

She wants to take the zippity out of my doo-dah!

Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii!

And remember, if it says Binford on it, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Tools aren't supposed to talk to ya!

Two pretzels are walking down the street. One is assaulted.

Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork?