Tim: Ice cold pop for my favourite son.
Mark: I'm your favorite son?
Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, and the other one's in there putting moves on his mother.

Tim [Bowling]: You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.
[Throws the ball]
Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin!
Jill: Yaaaaaaa, and you left his... more

Mark: I am never doing yoga again.
Brad: Yeah, it's the first time I've ever seen the back of my neck.
Jill: Now that you've seen it, wash it.

Tim: This isn't regular pain - this is man pain.
Mark: How do you know if it's regular pain, or man pain?
Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.

Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me!
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, 'What do they want to do to me?'

Mark: Here comes the groom.
Brad: Shut up.
Randy: You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuckee Cheese's?
Mark: Yeah, the groom gets free... more

Mark: What's enlightened?
Randy: Scared of Mom.

Mark: Mom, why are you dropping flowers on the table?
Jill: They're petals, see? It's romantic. I'm going to give your father a surprise dinner tonight and I want everything to be perfect, for... more

Mark chanting: Mommy and Daddy sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Randy: We're in the tree, stupid!

Mark: So Santa's alive?
Jill: Yah, you sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls, how can he be at every one?
Tim: He's real fast for a fat guy!
Jill: Actually, honey. I think... more