And remember, if it says Binford on it, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Tools aren't supposed to talk to ya!

Al: Ilene!
Tim: Of course you lean. You're lopsided.

Jill: You are never driving again.
Tim: Why? I was only going 35 miles per hour.
Jill: Yeah, over speed bumps.

Tim [Bowling]: You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.
[Throws the ball]
Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin!
Jill: Yaaaaaaa, and you left his... more

Tim: Where is the Nomad?
Brad: Well, it is called a Nomad, maybe it wandered off.

"Has the Sphinx ever replaced your electrolytes? I don't think so, Al."

Brad: Hey Dad, why didn't you marry Al?
Tim: Um, I thought about it. I just couldn't stand the thought of him bearing my children. Little babies with beards and flannel diapers...

Tim: You just don't understand the intricacies of the male mind.
Jill: Explain it to me, I've got a minute.

Randy [After seeing Tim wearing a kilt]: "Hey Mom, where's Dad?"

Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.
Tim: I'm not really that hungry.
Jill: I didn't cook it.
Tim: I am famished.