Stewie : What kind of man would I be if I walked away from my responsibilities?

Brian : A black man?

Stewie : What the hell was that?

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working... more

(reading the Bible): My, my. What a thumping good read! Lions eatting Christians, people nailing each other to two-by-fours. I say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.

Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

Stewie: mom, mom, mom, mama, mama, mama, mum, mum, mum, mum, lois, lois, lois, lois.

Lois: WHAT!

Stewie: Hi (runs away in laughter)

Stewie's date: "I thought we were gonna see Hairspray...?"

Stewie: "Bitch, I thought I told you to just shutup and be lookin' fine!"

Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made of?

Stewie: Sunshine and farts, what the hell kind of question is that?

It's not that I want to kill her, its just, I don't want her to be alive anymore