Could you give me a moment? I´m asking God to kill me

I can keep my children alive. When you left this morning, there were four. When you came home, there were still four. When you come home and there are three, then you can lecture me.

Tom: "Surely you can control 5 little kids?"
Mrs McKlusky: "Can I beat them?"
Tom: "No"
Mrs M: "Then my hands are tied!"

Tom: "Okay, now when I say open, don't look with your eyes. Look with your imagination."

Lynette: "Okay."

Tom: "Okay. Open."

Lynette: "Oh, dear... more

I don´t need a pamphlet. It´s not bran surery. They´re just kids for God´s sake!

Now that they've cleaned up all the amniotic fluid, I think it's time to start the conga line!

So no sex tonight?" – Tom

"You won't let me in your opening…" – Lynette

Tom: "So we're not having sex tonight?"
Lynette: "Hey, you banned me from your opening" (meaning the pizza restaurant opening)

Tom: "Edie, you forgot your coupon"
Edie "Oh Tom please, you've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza!"

Lynette: It was a nice gesture that went hideously, hideously, hideously wrong.
Tom: Just wait until the kinds find out that you saw a real coyote!
Lynette: Hideously!