If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.

Mason: I've got illegals in my bottom.

Do any of you girls work for UPS? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice you were checking out my package.

Lookat your cubical, it's as bare as a pop star's mid-drift.

Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C equals A, or... more

Rube: Bacchus has drowned many more men than Neptune.
Mason: Bacchus? Wha...?
Rube: He's the Greek god of "Why don't you read a f***ing book?

I gave up on forever, doesn’t last.

Roxy: Why do I have to have an occasion to spread the love?

Mason: Because you're an ornery bitch who eats puppy dogs for breakfast

DATA ENTRY GUY: It's your lunch hour. We'll see you back in 35.
GEORGE: If it's my lunch hour why is it only 35 minutes?
DATA ENTRY GUY: Oh 'cos they did some research like five years ago and I... more

George- "Did you go to the gym when you were alive?"

Daisy- "I died in 1938; for exercise we drank Sloe Gin and smoked Lucky Strikes."