Women think we are normal. Like them. Cause we talk to them like normal people. We say 'Hello', 'How are you', 'Haven't seen you in this place before', 'What kind of music do YOU like?' But all the... more

Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind? Make all women telepathic because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they'd kill us all... more

Steve: Well, how'd it go?
Jeff: She's leaving the country, she doesn't speak English, I insulted her friends breasts and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to take them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That’s the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you’re a naked man in... more

Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own.

I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it.

You're surrounded by people for a moment of silence when the Giggle Loop begins... Suddenly out of nowhere this thought comes into your head: the worst thing I could possibly do during a minute's... more

Friendship’s more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking.

Rule one of playing it cool: only smile at her face.

Sally: [Trying to explain to Patrick what platonic friendship with a woman is] What do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with?
Patrick: [beat] Men.