Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the earth?

Remember, the best way to get to sleep is a warm glass of milk. Especially if the cow is addicted to narcotics

Parents, do not let your daughters read New Moon, and if they absolutely must date a monster, encourage them to go out with a nice zombie, at least he'll be interested in her for her brains.

Some pronounce it 'yee-roe.'
Some pronounce it 'gyro.'
I pronounce it, 'lamb sandwich.'
This is America. Speak English!

The truthiness will set you free!

I've said it that chidren's books are trying to turn our kids gay. Look at Curious George. I mean, just how curious is he?

Everyone knows that Cheney’s pipe dream is driving a bulldozer into the New York Times while drinking crude oil out of Keith Olbermann’s skull.

Donkey Kong? Donkey Kong? Sure, a giant ape can throw barrels at an Italian plumber, but when I do it it's considered a hate crime!

Kids, when you grow up you get to celebrate a holiday I like to call UnHalloween, thats where you dress up like a productive member of society, earn a pay check and buy your own damn candy....BOO!!!

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals