Alan "Jerry....you know I have tremedous affection for my own intellegence, and even I think you are smarter than me."

Jerry "Oh, I am."

Alan: What's with the hop?
Jerry: It's a nervous tick. When I try to control my voice, sometimes my legs hop, okay? Would you prefer that I squeal?
Alan: Well...
Jerry: (squeals)
Alan: You didn't... more

I've tried to find closure with Leigh, so I wrote her this letter.

'Dear Leigh;
Go to hell.'

Leigh Swift: I've been fired from my long-standing teaching position.
Jerry: What did you do, give tongue to a locker!?

I lost my cherry!

Trump card: 'Support Our Troops!' I WIN!!

How joyous that you people actually know one another. Could it be anymore human? No matter where you look, one’s got mad cow, you’ve got the funny one that salutes and does push-ups, there’s... more

Jerry:‘just the thought of getting to come back here again puts a song in my heart, I actually walk about singing it in my head.’

Shirley:‘you sing a song in your head?’

Jerry:... more

Jerry: My hopes are so high! i have to do a higher hop just to see them!

Shirley: I know the feeling

Clarence: He likes me. Whenever I'm around him I slap on a little oxytocin and he's like putty.

Jerry: Oh, very funny. Slap on a dress while you're at it? Sing him a song? POOP HEAD!